I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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