forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
