Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
