he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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