Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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