i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
