I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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