Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
