Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
