Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
