I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
