my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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