i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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