Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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