Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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