im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
