I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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