I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
