OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
