If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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