Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
