So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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