GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
