can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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