Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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