Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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