I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
