I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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