I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Randomize
