He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
