I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
