Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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