we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
