I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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