im six kinds of drunk right now
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
