and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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