Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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