just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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