someone threw a dead crab at me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
