This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
