I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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