no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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