So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
