so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
