Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
