I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
