Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
