Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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