Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
