me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
