Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i will never coherently bang her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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