it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
